Forever young.

Me and Sasha were talking, and I absolutely agree with the conversation we had, so I thought I'd write about it, simply.
I want my childhood back. All the way back, when I was carefree and innocent. I don't know if I was ever 'innocent' in the true sense, but I was definitely indifferent to what others thought I did, looked like, acted like. I goofed up more than I do now, as a kid. Obviously. I got bullied and harassed by the kids in the opposite and next building, but I still enjoyed playing a game of hide 'n seek with them. I played with my Barbies, till I was like thirteen. I didn't care. They were gorgeous, shiny and alive. Now, most of them are given away and the rest are probably in a box up on the attic. I'm not even sure. It saddens me how that happened.
Back in school, I had a lot of friends. We all liked each other. I had a unibrow. Hairy arms and legs. I was a wild child. I bullied the boys. I talked a lot in class. I had a crush on the swimmer kid who got the highest marks in class. I drew, a lot. What happened to that?
I want to go back to when I was a unibrowed flower-power feminist who thought that girls don't need boys to be happy. We can live without them and enjoy life without all those hassles. Then things changed. I met a few boys. I made mistakes, and a few choices I wish I could reverse, but it's too late.
At night, I used to go to bed thinking about how sad it would be if my family members died. One by one. I'd cry myself to sleep. Since then, two of my cats died. So did my grandfather. It was sad. We moved on, but not quite. Now, before I go to bed, I find myself thinking about whether I'll ever truly find love or not. How long I can go on without making a solid decision about my future. I think about him, knowing he doesn't think about me. I think about a lot of 'him's. But mostly just him.
Right now, I'm at a point where I don't know who I am. I'm trying to find out more things about myself, things I'm good at, things I like that I didn't find myself liking before. Wanting to earn money so I can actually shop every month without feeling guilty. Procrastinating. Going to another country.
When did this all happen?

& I can't get it out of my head.

Suddenly remembered that song, by John Paul White, and, funnily enough, I can't get it out of my head. Who knew, eh?
It's happening again. You think you're close to someone, and then they just do something that surprises you completely. It's usually unpleasant. Atleast it is in my case. I've learnt to ignore it, or rather, put the feeling aside. It's not that important when I look at the bigger picture. You can go do your thing, and I'll do mine. Piece o' cake.
I'm procrastinating, yet again. Will I ever get my work done? I don't think so. I have to look into universities, as I'm really unhappy with college right now, and I hardly ever go. I can't help it, it just doesn't interest me, though I did meet this pretty cool girl, and well, I went and got a monroe piercing with her. HA. Yes, that's just me. I'm ridiculously impulsive.
Too many things to consider. My sister says, "Since you love clothes and fashion so much, why don't you go to fashion school? But it's a dog eat dog world." Someone else says, "You should really look into graphic design at Raffles, it seems like it'll be your kinda thing." And then the, "Prepare for N.I.D! You're good enough to get in!"
Will I ever be able to make up my mind?
I doubt it.
[Ha, he smelled so good, that I can still remember what his cologne smells like.]

I love the sound the little green ceramic spoon makes against my teeth when I play with it carelessly.
I love trusting people and letting them in, even though I know they will almost always let me down later.
I love knowing that he's looking at me observingly, when I'm looking away. And I still know he's looking.
I love the feeling you get when you really have to pee and then you finally DO.
I love eating my food as fast as I can and then immediately feeling bad the second it's over.
I love girly make-up, stillettos and denim shorts.
I love sleeping, all the flippin' time, and staying up late at night doing absolutely nothing.
I love not knowing what I want to do in the future, makes it so much more interesting.
I love leopard print, especially when it's combined with the colour pink.
I love knowing exactly what's on someone's mind when they make that certain expression.
I love wearing my dad's oversized t-shirts.
I love the familiar smell of my room and my blanket.
I love music.
I love comfortable silences.
I love the feeling of being infatuated. Even though it's temporary.
I love thinking about things that are never going to happen and still getting butterflies in my stomach.
I love, a lot.