December 19, 2010

Let's talk.

So obviously there's a difference in sober, regular conversations and stoned conversations.
Stoned conversations are the best, no doubt. Especially when they're with U. He's like, the chillest guy to talk to, I've discovered. And I can actually talk to him about anything and everything without thinking about it twice. That's the difference between a guy and a girl, I suppose. With girls, you really have to think twice before saying something and then wonder if you shouldn't have said it instead, once you do. With guys, it's just so simple. You say it and then you forget about it and they do too, and the conversation moves on. There's none of that backbiting, and bitching, and gossip. It's so easy and non complicated.
So today was great. Sitting for almost four hours on the promenade at Carter's, just sitting and discussing big plans, relationships, mistakes, personalities, sex, childhood memories, money, partying and just being stupid teenagers and fucking up now and then. It was one of those moments which I actually cherish, because there aren't too many people with whom you can talk to one on one without feeling judged or stupid.
Stupid talks, haha. Lots of those happened today.
One of those things we spoke about was this; so we're looking at the horizon, and the sky's doing this three colour gradient thing. There's the lightblue on top, a thin line of orange in the centre, and an inky blue space at the bottom. So the skyblue line's full of all those people who play games in life. That's their area, they can do what they want. So the people they will find, also lie within the same strata. Their variety ends there. Then, there's the orange line, which is full of people who won't take risks, girls willing to wait until marriage to have sex, people who don't experiment and are firm and rigid, that category. Same rule applies. The inkyblue line, however, consists of the honest people. The ones who actually live life how they want to live it, and not based on games, or 'playing the cards right'. And funny thing is, the bottom of the layer blends into the sea, making it one. And the sea is endless. So there's all those possibilities you have open. Just.. an interesting concept and something I liked. So I put it on here.
Look forward to more conversations like that. Love them.

December 14, 2010

Every rule I'm breaking, the risk that I'm takin'.

So when I'm reading a book, or reading anything for that matter, I let myself stare hard and long enough at the pages till eventually, the spaces in the words on the page eventually makes a pattern. And it's unique for every single page. Try it, Just stare at the page, till your gaze goes blurry, and you'll notice how the spaces between the words, and the beginning to new paragraphs, all the blanks make a pattern. And they're shapes, and sometimes they form new words. It's really fascinating. I wonder if they're trying to tell us something? Nobody can really be that smart, can they? No. I wonder.
So there's still too much happening. It's never calm. There's rarely a moment where I'm chilling with myself, doing nothing, and there is not one thing on my mind that is bothering me. There is always a nagging feeling about something that is worrying me, or something that I need to do which I'm delaying, or something that can't get off my mind. Some people, some incidents, some whatstheirnames. Why can't I just switch my mind off when I wish to? I don't mind being completely dumb for a couple of minutes, if it's giving me peace.
I read somewhere, or heard someone say [I can't remember] that if we handed everyone in the world a joint and we all lit it at the same time, maybe, just maybe we could achieve world peace for those fifteen minutes. Really. Just trip on your own thoughts and actions and look deeper.
I try to focus on ONE thing, but I really end up feeling so A.D.D. So lost, and confused.
The year's almost come to an end, and how. I can safely say this year's been the most eventful year of my life, hands down. It has also been the worst. I've met way too many people, and too many of them have hurt me, and maybe I've hurt a few of them, because these things work both ways. I've made too many mistakes. I've passed opinions and judgements. I've fought and argued. I've lied, a little. Okay, maybe a lot. But specifically. I cried a lot, too. Over things I couldn't imagine I would ever cry about. I gave someone everything and got nothing in return. I played all my cards wrong. I saw way too many people falling in love, and out of it. I saw people die, and I met new people who changed me. I love the ones who made me feel special.
I'm still unable to think of 'love' or say those three words without feeling guilty/unsure/scared/insecure/embarassed. In that sense, of course.
2011, I'm welcoming you with open arms. I won't let you down if you don't let me down, either. Pinky promise.