December 14, 2010

Every rule I'm breaking, the risk that I'm takin'.

So when I'm reading a book, or reading anything for that matter, I let myself stare hard and long enough at the pages till eventually, the spaces in the words on the page eventually makes a pattern. And it's unique for every single page. Try it, Just stare at the page, till your gaze goes blurry, and you'll notice how the spaces between the words, and the beginning to new paragraphs, all the blanks make a pattern. And they're shapes, and sometimes they form new words. It's really fascinating. I wonder if they're trying to tell us something? Nobody can really be that smart, can they? No. I wonder.
So there's still too much happening. It's never calm. There's rarely a moment where I'm chilling with myself, doing nothing, and there is not one thing on my mind that is bothering me. There is always a nagging feeling about something that is worrying me, or something that I need to do which I'm delaying, or something that can't get off my mind. Some people, some incidents, some whatstheirnames. Why can't I just switch my mind off when I wish to? I don't mind being completely dumb for a couple of minutes, if it's giving me peace.
I read somewhere, or heard someone say [I can't remember] that if we handed everyone in the world a joint and we all lit it at the same time, maybe, just maybe we could achieve world peace for those fifteen minutes. Really. Just trip on your own thoughts and actions and look deeper.
I try to focus on ONE thing, but I really end up feeling so A.D.D. So lost, and confused.
The year's almost come to an end, and how. I can safely say this year's been the most eventful year of my life, hands down. It has also been the worst. I've met way too many people, and too many of them have hurt me, and maybe I've hurt a few of them, because these things work both ways. I've made too many mistakes. I've passed opinions and judgements. I've fought and argued. I've lied, a little. Okay, maybe a lot. But specifically. I cried a lot, too. Over things I couldn't imagine I would ever cry about. I gave someone everything and got nothing in return. I played all my cards wrong. I saw way too many people falling in love, and out of it. I saw people die, and I met new people who changed me. I love the ones who made me feel special.
I'm still unable to think of 'love' or say those three words without feeling guilty/unsure/scared/insecure/embarassed. In that sense, of course.
2011, I'm welcoming you with open arms. I won't let you down if you don't let me down, either. Pinky promise.

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