we always talk about how much mankind has evolved over the past... well, since the beginning of time. we started out as food gatherers and hunters, dudes trying to make clothes out of animal skin and discovering fire and all that jazz. then the whole agricultural phase. then discovering new places and meeting more people, and communication developed, and so did our ideas and the way we thought. now everyone has a whole bunch of theories on how things work, and there's the concept of society which fucks things up some more, and all these norms and morals, and of course, religion.
i think its funny how evolved we are as a race, but still, in theory, we're so primal in the sense that we want multiple sexual partners even though we might be emotionally loyal to one. jumping topics? somewhat but not really. a man/woman wants to find that special someone, or those many special someones throughout their life. spend time with them, be intimate and then if that doesn't work out, move on and find another. it's how it works, now. but still, at the end of the day, there is always that temptation, when you see some stranger who you're attracted to and second-glance at. that sexual desire? the burning passion? i don't know. i'm talking about purely physical here. you want to love that one person, shower them with love and affection, yet feel the need to, what's the word i'm looking for here? cheat? yes. cheat. and then there's the whole 'open relationships never work out' concept. and then some more concepts linked with loyalty, commitment, hookups, long-term relationships and all that.
i'm not really making sense here.
basically, what i'm trying to say is, life is one big orgy?
no.
ok i lost my chain of thought.

Forever young.

Me and Sasha were talking, and I absolutely agree with the conversation we had, so I thought I'd write about it, simply.
I want my childhood back. All the way back, when I was carefree and innocent. I don't know if I was ever 'innocent' in the true sense, but I was definitely indifferent to what others thought I did, looked like, acted like. I goofed up more than I do now, as a kid. Obviously. I got bullied and harassed by the kids in the opposite and next building, but I still enjoyed playing a game of hide 'n seek with them. I played with my Barbies, till I was like thirteen. I didn't care. They were gorgeous, shiny and alive. Now, most of them are given away and the rest are probably in a box up on the attic. I'm not even sure. It saddens me how that happened.
Back in school, I had a lot of friends. We all liked each other. I had a unibrow. Hairy arms and legs. I was a wild child. I bullied the boys. I talked a lot in class. I had a crush on the swimmer kid who got the highest marks in class. I drew, a lot. What happened to that?
I want to go back to when I was a unibrowed flower-power feminist who thought that girls don't need boys to be happy. We can live without them and enjoy life without all those hassles. Then things changed. I met a few boys. I made mistakes, and a few choices I wish I could reverse, but it's too late.
At night, I used to go to bed thinking about how sad it would be if my family members died. One by one. I'd cry myself to sleep. Since then, two of my cats died. So did my grandfather. It was sad. We moved on, but not quite. Now, before I go to bed, I find myself thinking about whether I'll ever truly find love or not. How long I can go on without making a solid decision about my future. I think about him, knowing he doesn't think about me. I think about a lot of 'him's. But mostly just him.
Right now, I'm at a point where I don't know who I am. I'm trying to find out more things about myself, things I'm good at, things I like that I didn't find myself liking before. Wanting to earn money so I can actually shop every month without feeling guilty. Procrastinating. Going to another country.
When did this all happen?

& I can't get it out of my head.

Suddenly remembered that song, by John Paul White, and, funnily enough, I can't get it out of my head. Who knew, eh?
It's happening again. You think you're close to someone, and then they just do something that surprises you completely. It's usually unpleasant. Atleast it is in my case. I've learnt to ignore it, or rather, put the feeling aside. It's not that important when I look at the bigger picture. You can go do your thing, and I'll do mine. Piece o' cake.
I'm procrastinating, yet again. Will I ever get my work done? I don't think so. I have to look into universities, as I'm really unhappy with college right now, and I hardly ever go. I can't help it, it just doesn't interest me, though I did meet this pretty cool girl, and well, I went and got a monroe piercing with her. HA. Yes, that's just me. I'm ridiculously impulsive.
Too many things to consider. My sister says, "Since you love clothes and fashion so much, why don't you go to fashion school? But it's a dog eat dog world." Someone else says, "You should really look into graphic design at Raffles, it seems like it'll be your kinda thing." And then the, "Prepare for N.I.D! You're good enough to get in!"
Will I ever be able to make up my mind?
I doubt it.
[Ha, he smelled so good, that I can still remember what his cologne smells like.]

I love the sound the little green ceramic spoon makes against my teeth when I play with it carelessly.
I love trusting people and letting them in, even though I know they will almost always let me down later.
I love knowing that he's looking at me observingly, when I'm looking away. And I still know he's looking.
I love the feeling you get when you really have to pee and then you finally DO.
I love eating my food as fast as I can and then immediately feeling bad the second it's over.
I love girly make-up, stillettos and denim shorts.
I love sleeping, all the flippin' time, and staying up late at night doing absolutely nothing.
I love not knowing what I want to do in the future, makes it so much more interesting.
I love leopard print, especially when it's combined with the colour pink.
I love knowing exactly what's on someone's mind when they make that certain expression.
I love wearing my dad's oversized t-shirts.
I love the familiar smell of my room and my blanket.
I love music.
I love comfortable silences.
I love the feeling of being infatuated. Even though it's temporary.
I love thinking about things that are never going to happen and still getting butterflies in my stomach.
I love, a lot.

Wtf.

Sometimes, just sometimes, when I think about me, as a person, the concept of me seems so surreal. Like, wow, this is ME. This is who I am. I look in the mirror; that's what I look like. Its my identity. 'I'. 'Me'. Its just.. Intriguing & a little hard to digest. The concept's always puzzled me, but voicing it out, or putting it down on paper seems odd. Why would anyone question their identity? It feels like I'm questioning my sanity. Sometimes, when people call out my name, or address me, it feels like they're addressing a stranger. Is that normal? I don't know. It just feels strange. Its almost like I'm not comfortable or certain of who I am.
I'm still quite confused. Who the heck am I? It doesn't feel like 'me'. Whatever that is.

All I feel is strange, in your perfect world.


Lose yourself in the music. I don't think there's anything better you can do. Forget about all your problems, tomorrow's bills you have to pay, the messy pile of laundry, your insignificant and rather non-existent love life. Feeding the cats. Picking out the right outfit for tomorrow.


Can I fill you up with my emptiness, tonight? Can I hold your hand as we slip into the light?

Can I live on my own, for the rest of my life? No one to keep me company. You know what kind of company I'm talking about. It really makes me wonder. Relationships all around me. Some steady, some genuinely happy with their fair share of ups and downs, some with a constant facade. Some for the sake of convenience. No, I don't think that pair of stillettos is going to make her love you any more than she actually does(n't).

Take me away; a secret place, a sweet escape.


I want to go back to the time of high waisted skirts. Puffy sleeves. Tailored trousers. Waistcoats and blouses. Long summer dresses. All that's back now. Funny how fashion works in a cycle.


Written in the stars, a million miles away.

Every song reminds me of a different period of time. Fur Immer Jetzt and it reminds me of rickshaw rides back in January 2010 with Ash. Open Car reminds me of serenading, in his dad's studio. Someone Special reminds me of jamming sessions on my terrace. Jizz in my Pants reminds me of two day long sleepovers with Sashimi. Last of a Dying Breed reminds me of good times, chilling with some whiskey on the rocks at noon, with people I feel very disconnected with, now.

I don't think there's anything, after death. You die & then that's it. Its the end. But what does the end really mean? I suppose its like going to sleep. A dreamless sleep. One where you don't end up waking up.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just casually stand on the railway tracks & let the train run me over. & know what it feels. But the worst part is I'll never end up find out. Maybe for a split second, & that'll be it.
This really isn't a sad or an emotional post. Just one where I'm wondering about stuff.
I think it also helps, the fact that I haven't slept all night, once again. Its not a nice feeling. Just a slight rush for a bit & then this worn out feeling. Also the fact that I'm living in yesterday. Its still yesterday for me. Because technically, it isn't the next day till you go to bed & wake up. & if there's no sleep involved, well... That's just fucked up.
About the train tracks part... That was fucked up too.
Ok this is my cue to shut up now.
Sent on my BlackBerry® from Vodafone

yiiikes, adulthood.

you know what's new? here's what new.
I AM OFFICIALLY AN ADULT. this is insane, because i feel like a ten year old child. except for the.. boobs, and stuff. but yeah, you get it.
yesterday was a regular day, except my mom was a sweetheart and baked me a DELICIOUS chocolate cake, my dad cooked lunch for me [sauteed prawns, man, were they good!], i got a bunch of AMAZING gifts, two of my best friends landed up and surprised me at 12 and well.. it was just a great feeling.
i love it when people do special things for me, it feels so nice.
oh and spoke to an old acquaintance again. a rather attractive one, at that. MUAHAHA.
anyway. yeah. so full. so much food. i want more cake.

"you can tell from the scars on my arms
and the cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that I'm not the carefullest of girls."
- Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls

It's already 2011. It's the second day. ALREADY. It's crazy how fast time passes by. 'Happy' New Year? Yeah, fingers crossed. I hope this year's better than the last, less unpleasant surprises, less hasty decisions, less mistakes and less people lost.
Here's to new beginnings. Here's to 2011.
There's not much more I can say.