we always talk about how much mankind has evolved over the past... well, since the beginning of time. we started out as food gatherers and hunters, dudes trying to make clothes out of animal skin and discovering fire and all that jazz. then the whole agricultural phase. then discovering new places and meeting more people, and communication developed, and so did our ideas and the way we thought. now everyone has a whole bunch of theories on how things work, and there's the concept of society which fucks things up some more, and all these norms and morals, and of course, religion.
i think its funny how evolved we are as a race, but still, in theory, we're so primal in the sense that we want multiple sexual partners even though we might be emotionally loyal to one. jumping topics? somewhat but not really. a man/woman wants to find that special someone, or those many special someones throughout their life. spend time with them, be intimate and then if that doesn't work out, move on and find another. it's how it works, now. but still, at the end of the day, there is always that temptation, when you see some stranger who you're attracted to and second-glance at. that sexual desire? the burning passion? i don't know. i'm talking about purely physical here. you want to love that one person, shower them with love and affection, yet feel the need to, what's the word i'm looking for here? cheat? yes. cheat. and then there's the whole 'open relationships never work out' concept. and then some more concepts linked with loyalty, commitment, hookups, long-term relationships and all that.
i'm not really making sense here.
basically, what i'm trying to say is, life is one big orgy?
no.
ok i lost my chain of thought.

Forever young.

Me and Sasha were talking, and I absolutely agree with the conversation we had, so I thought I'd write about it, simply.
I want my childhood back. All the way back, when I was carefree and innocent. I don't know if I was ever 'innocent' in the true sense, but I was definitely indifferent to what others thought I did, looked like, acted like. I goofed up more than I do now, as a kid. Obviously. I got bullied and harassed by the kids in the opposite and next building, but I still enjoyed playing a game of hide 'n seek with them. I played with my Barbies, till I was like thirteen. I didn't care. They were gorgeous, shiny and alive. Now, most of them are given away and the rest are probably in a box up on the attic. I'm not even sure. It saddens me how that happened.
Back in school, I had a lot of friends. We all liked each other. I had a unibrow. Hairy arms and legs. I was a wild child. I bullied the boys. I talked a lot in class. I had a crush on the swimmer kid who got the highest marks in class. I drew, a lot. What happened to that?
I want to go back to when I was a unibrowed flower-power feminist who thought that girls don't need boys to be happy. We can live without them and enjoy life without all those hassles. Then things changed. I met a few boys. I made mistakes, and a few choices I wish I could reverse, but it's too late.
At night, I used to go to bed thinking about how sad it would be if my family members died. One by one. I'd cry myself to sleep. Since then, two of my cats died. So did my grandfather. It was sad. We moved on, but not quite. Now, before I go to bed, I find myself thinking about whether I'll ever truly find love or not. How long I can go on without making a solid decision about my future. I think about him, knowing he doesn't think about me. I think about a lot of 'him's. But mostly just him.
Right now, I'm at a point where I don't know who I am. I'm trying to find out more things about myself, things I'm good at, things I like that I didn't find myself liking before. Wanting to earn money so I can actually shop every month without feeling guilty. Procrastinating. Going to another country.
When did this all happen?

& I can't get it out of my head.

Suddenly remembered that song, by John Paul White, and, funnily enough, I can't get it out of my head. Who knew, eh?
It's happening again. You think you're close to someone, and then they just do something that surprises you completely. It's usually unpleasant. Atleast it is in my case. I've learnt to ignore it, or rather, put the feeling aside. It's not that important when I look at the bigger picture. You can go do your thing, and I'll do mine. Piece o' cake.
I'm procrastinating, yet again. Will I ever get my work done? I don't think so. I have to look into universities, as I'm really unhappy with college right now, and I hardly ever go. I can't help it, it just doesn't interest me, though I did meet this pretty cool girl, and well, I went and got a monroe piercing with her. HA. Yes, that's just me. I'm ridiculously impulsive.
Too many things to consider. My sister says, "Since you love clothes and fashion so much, why don't you go to fashion school? But it's a dog eat dog world." Someone else says, "You should really look into graphic design at Raffles, it seems like it'll be your kinda thing." And then the, "Prepare for N.I.D! You're good enough to get in!"
Will I ever be able to make up my mind?
I doubt it.
[Ha, he smelled so good, that I can still remember what his cologne smells like.]